X-Mas List

Maybe you've heard the worst X-Mas song of all time. It's called "Grown-Up Christmas List," and it is sung by numerous artists, most famously by Amy Grant. This song may be the reason cats get cancer. I guess the intent is harmless enough, but I'd rather skip right ahead to the root canal this treacly little song produces.

Also bad are the myriad songs trying to make you cry. Roughly 10 years ago, I fell in love with a song called "Please Mr. Jesus" (I think). It was song by a little girl telling Jesus "And please don't tell my daddy but my mommy hits me too." After this little gem came that horrendous "Christmas Shoes" song. I hate songs that exist just to try and pull a heart string (and yes, I do realize my favorite Christmas song is a nonsense love song that doesn't really have much to do with Christmas at all). Oh well, maybe I'm just a Christmas music snob (who doesn't really have any right to be).

Anyway, since tomorrow is the big day, I thought I'd take the opportunity to make like the world's worst X-Mas song and gather my own grown-up Christmas list. Mine is a bit shallow, but it's always fun to come up with things to wish for.

The List: 2006 (No order)
1. An incredibly problem-free wedding (and an even more spectacular marriage to the beautiful Ms. Ashlee).
2. The Dodgers to trade Brad Penny and Andre Ethier for a +.900 OPS slugger and a World Series return in 2007. (Maybe I'll just take a time machine to return to 1988.)
3. A full beard.
4. A puppy or some other animal whose lifelong goal is to try and make me happy.
5. No federal funding of abortion.
6. A miracle in Iraq (and our men and women brought home by next X-Mas).
7. A Sam Harris book that does not make any bestseller list. (Then his publisher drops him, then he has to work for a living (anyone else thinking barista?).)
8. An NFL player lockout lasting no less than three years, thereby resulting in a popularity growth for both MLB and the NHL (and hopefully earning both a more prominent place on espn (no capital letters for you until you end the east coast bias)).
9. A strong U.S. national soccer team.
10. Less of me.
11. A 15 percent raise.
12. The AP Stylebook to make fundraiser one word (in all cases).
13. The discovery/invention of an alternative to fossil fuels.
14. Just enough discomfort to sharpen me for God's service.
15. A great annual/yearbook.
16. A clear winner in the Blu-Ray/HDDVD matchup.
17. One snow day.
18. A solution in the Sudan.
19. A completely different (read corruption-free) United Nations.
20. Clarity.
21. A cure for cat (and human) cancer.
22. Permanent laryngitis: Fergie.
23. Fewer masters for this dog.
24. A couple of books even half as good as "Gilead" and "The Road."
25. A sugar-free Mountain Dew Baja Blast that tastes like the real deal.
26. A new Counting Crows album.
27. A sweet new house with one of those escape hatches like Webster had.
28. Safety, fertile fields for my missionary friends.
29. Met deadlines for all of my newspaper friends still in the trenches.
30. Students interested in Editing for Print Media.
31. An Apple nation.
32. Permanent laryngitis: Gwen Stefani.
33. More time with my parents.
34. Better health for my grandmother.
35. Less use of ya'll, used to could, might could and you'ns.
36. The termination of No Child Left Behind.
37. Harding makes a move to Colorado Springs. (I'll even help pack.)
38. A Cormac McCarthy flatsigned book.
39. MLB re-adopts rule that ground-rule doubles should be counted as home runs (if they're out of the park, they're out of the park).
40. Peace on Earth. With a bow. (And a gift receipt).

Happy X-Mas. May all your wishes come true, and your pudding be figgy.

Earvana

I've always considered myself a man of fine taste. I feel like my musical taste is an odd syncretism of heavy chunks of my father's fancies, those of my generation and scattered bits and pieces of nostalgia from the easy listening stations my mother tended to frequent.

With a music collection that includes Barry Manilow, Anne Murray and old George Jones, it's hard for others to view me as a music snob. However, I do find most of today's mindless drivel to be anathema. If you look at the popular music that dominated the ariwaves 25-40 years ago, you'll find your standard love songs and trippy attempts at abstract songcrafting. The overarching standard for music used to be melody. If a song had a catchy melody, you could almost guarantee a hit.

Used to be, you could find sad songs decades ago, which are now almost as archaic as songs without a drum machine or sample. Some examples: Gilbert O'Sullivan's "Alone Again, Naturally," the Moody Blues' "Nights in White Satin," The Allman Brothers Band's "Melissa," ELO's "Can't Get it Outta my head," Dionne Warwick's "I'll Never Love this Way Again" and Bread's "Lost Without Your Love." Today you find music in which braggadocious courting and self-aggrandizement make up the "lyrics." I guess this might have something to do with the undeniable success of hip-hop music. The result has led to execrable "songs" such as these: The Black-Eyed Peas "My Humps," Justin Timberlake's "Sexy Back," T-Pain's "I'm In Love With a Stripper" and Gwen Stefani's "Wind it Up." I am convinced the most heated battle being waged in music right now is for "Artist Doing The Most To Destroy Music." The frontrunners are the ubiquitous Fergie (from the aforementioned womb of inanity that is The Black-Eyed Peas), who carries on about her "London Bridge," and Stefani, who first found fame with the overrated but tolerable No Doubt and now yodels (poorly) and spells about how her (scatological expletive) is b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

Most of today's music is also b-a-n-a-n-a-s. I've got a new word for today's artists to spell out in song: C-A-C-O-P-H-O-N-Y.

Fortunately there is help. Thanks to online music sites such as iTunes, classic gems (and the few newer diamonds in the very rough state of today's music) are only a click (or 30-second snippet) away.

Here's my current top 125 list to help you get through the mumbo. Take a listen, some of these might surprise you.

Beauchamp's Top 125 Favorite Songs (order is not particular)
1. "Blue in Green" - Miles Davis (in fact, buy the album "Kind of Blue")
2. "A Long December" - Counting Crows
3. "#41" - Dave Matthews Band
4. "Time" - Pink Floyd
5. "Yesterday" - The Beatles
6. "Hey Jude" - The Beatles
7. "It Never Entered My Mind" - Miles Davis
8. "Raining In Baltimore" - Counting Crows
9. "Two Step" - Dave Matthews Band
10. "Easy Way To Cry" - David Gray
11. "As I'm Leaving" - David Gray
12. "Lately" - David Gray
13. "Now And Always" - David Gray
14. "Shiver" - Coldplay
15. "Sparks" - Coldplay
16. "This Year's Love" - David Gray
17. "Clocks" - Coldplay
18. "Careful Where You Stand" - Coldplay
19. "Here, There and Everywhere" - Belarus
20. "I Will Follow You into the Dark" - Death Cab for Cutie
21. "Scattered Black and Whites" - Elbow
22. "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" - Elton John
23. "Come Down in Time" - Elton John
24. "Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters" - Elton John
25. "In the Air Tonight" - Phil Collins
26. "Kissing a Fool" - George Michael
27. "Two Points for Honesty" - Guster
28. "These Days" - Jackson Browne
29. "Highway Song" - James Taylor
30. "Long Ago and Far Away" - James Taylor
31. "Carolina in My Mind" - James Taylor
32. "Something in the Way She Moves" - James Taylor
33. "Copperline" - James Taylor
34. "Sullivan Street" - Counting Crows
35. "Butterfly in Reverse" - Counting Crows
36. "Another Horsedreamer's Blues" - Counting Crows
37. "You and I Both" - Jason Mraz
38. "Sleep All Day" - Jason Mraz
39. "Work" - Jimmy Eat World
40. "3x5" - John Mayer
41. "Stop this Train" - John Mayer
42. "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" - John Mayer
43. "Split-Screen Sadness" - John Mayer
44. "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" - The Band
45. "Golden" - My Morning Jacket
46. "Lay Low" - My Morning Jacket
47. "My Name is Jonas" - Weezer
48. "The Man Comes Around" - Johnny Cash
49. "On A Day Like Today" - Keane
50. "Try Again" - Keane
51. "Haven't We Met" - Kenny Rankin
52. "Blackbird" - Kenny Rankin
53. "All These Things That I've Done" - The Killers
54. "You Really Got Me" - The Kinks
55. "Going To California" - Led Zeppelin
56. "When the Levee Breaks" - Led Zeppelin
57. "Truly" - Lionel Richie
58. "My Love" - Lionel Richie
59. "You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go" - Madeleine Peyroux (download this now, trust me)
60. "Blinded by the Light" - Manfred Mann's Earth Band
61. "Human Nature" - Michael Jackson
62. "The Long and Winding Road" - The Beatles
63. "For No One" - The Beatles
64. "Penny Lane" - The Beatles
65. "The Question" - The Moody Blues
66. "Nights in White Satin" - The Moody Blues
67. "From the Beginning" - Emerson, Lake & Palmer
68. "I Am...I Said" - Neil Diamond
69. "Adelaide" - Old 97s
70. "Selfless, Cold and Composed" - Ben Folds Five
71. "Sweet Afton" - Nickel Creek
72. "Talking Old Soldiers" - Elton John
73. "My Love" - Paul McCartney and Wings
74. "Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes" - Paul Simon
75. "Slip Slidin' Away" - Paul Simon
76. "Speak to Me/Breathe" - Pink Floyd
77. "Shine on You Crazy Diamond (complete)" - Pink Floyd
78. "Wish You Were Here" - Pink Floyd
79. "Comfortably Numb" - Pink Floyd
80. "Break on Through" - The Doors
81. "Nightswimming" - R.E.M
82. "Fake Plastic Trees" - Radiohead
83. "Sulk" - Radiohead
84. "Creep" - Radiohead
85. "Street Spirit" - Radiohead
86. "Let Down" - Radiohead
87. "A Beautiful Morning" - The Rascals
88. "Trouble" - Ray Lamontagne
89. "Shelter" - Ray Lamontagne
90. "Jolene" - Ray Lamontagne
91. "Empty" - Ray Lamontagne
92. "Tear" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
93. "Scar Tissue" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
94. "More Adventurous" - Rilo Kiley
95. "Wonderwall" - Ryan Adams
96. "Bring it on Home to Me" - Sam Cooke
97. "Love's Divine" - Seal
98. "Bleecker Street" - Simon and Garfunkel
99. "Song for the Asking" - Simon and Garfunkel
100. "Only Living Boy in New York" - Simon and Garfunkel
101. "1979" - Smashing Pumpkins
102. "Run" - Snow Patrol
103. "Baker Street" - Gerry Rafferty
104. "Deacon Blues" - Steely Dan
105. "Peg" - Steely Dan
106. "Take it to the Limit" - The Eagles
107. "Overjoyed" - Stevie Wonder
108. "Fields of Gold" - Sting
109. "Vicarious" - Tool
110. "Plush" - Stone Temple Pilot
111. "Machinehead" - Bush
112. "Everything Zen" - Bush
113. "Prizefighter" - Bush
114. "Comedown" - Bush
115. "Sweet Thing" - Van Morrison
116. "Moondance" - Van Morrison
117. "Caravan" - Van Morrison
118. "Into the Mystic" - Van Morrison
119. "Tupelo Honey" - Van Morrison
120. "She's Not There" - The Zombies
121. "Time of the Season" - The Zombies
122. "Tell Her No" - The Zombies
123. "The Way I Feel Inside" - The Zombies
124. "Last Nite" - The Strokes
125. "The Boxer" - Simon and Garfunkel

My Soda Kicks Your Pop's Can

The age-old debate has some "scientific" support.

Soda Vs. Pop Vs. Coke stats by region.

Personally I've always (and will always) call it soda. I'll also call the highway the freeway and refer to certain sections as THE 10 or THE 40.

Notice how the trendsetting regions prefer Soda over pop? I once stayed with a couple in Illinois who called it sodee pop.

Illinois. Ha.

There's Got To Be Another Way

It's finals week. As a result, things have slowed down quite a bit for me. No matter how stressful life has gotten for me through my first semester behind the lectern, I doubt there is anything that could lead me to this.

"Man Trapped 4 Days"

Warning: It's a little gross.

My Brother, Jeff Dahmer

I remember hearing tales of Jeffrey Dahmer's conversion before his death. It came, I believe, in the form of one of those chain letters that get sent to churches all over the country (you know, the ones that tell you to boycott Disneyland because they hate families, or don't shop at K-Mart because they hate families, etc.). I guess I only took the information at face value. Besides, how could someone so obviously twisted turn their life around and accept Christ? If it were true, would one of the world's most infamous and grisliest serial killers have a spot in heaven?

Today I stumbled on an article entitled "Would Jeffrey Dahmer Have Been An Evangelist?".

When I've talked to people in California about my religious affiliation, they often want to know who they would know was affiliated with the church of Christ. In the past I've always said Weird Al, Max Lucado, Kenny Perry, AC Green, Gene Stallings and Byron Nelson.

I guess we can count one more (in)famous than all the others: Jeff Dahmer (post murders).

For a longer list of church of Christ-affiliated celebs and politicians click here.
The most interesting names on this list are: James Hahn, Fred Thompson, Dwight Yokam, Glen Campbell, Roy Orbison, Janis Joplin, Meatloaf, David Robinson, Fred McGriff, Jim Morris (the Rookie), Pat Sajak, Fred D. Gray (Rosa Parks' attorney) and Scott Hamilton (the skater). My faith does not remotely hinge on the adherence of celebs, but it does make for an interesting list.

The End of the Matter

If you don't agree with this story, I have no respect for you as a baseball fan.

Also, read Michael Lewis' "Moneyball."

Good day.