X-Mas List

Maybe you've heard the worst X-Mas song of all time. It's called "Grown-Up Christmas List," and it is sung by numerous artists, most famously by Amy Grant. This song may be the reason cats get cancer. I guess the intent is harmless enough, but I'd rather skip right ahead to the root canal this treacly little song produces.

Also bad are the myriad songs trying to make you cry. Roughly 10 years ago, I fell in love with a song called "Please Mr. Jesus" (I think). It was song by a little girl telling Jesus "And please don't tell my daddy but my mommy hits me too." After this little gem came that horrendous "Christmas Shoes" song. I hate songs that exist just to try and pull a heart string (and yes, I do realize my favorite Christmas song is a nonsense love song that doesn't really have much to do with Christmas at all). Oh well, maybe I'm just a Christmas music snob (who doesn't really have any right to be).

Anyway, since tomorrow is the big day, I thought I'd take the opportunity to make like the world's worst X-Mas song and gather my own grown-up Christmas list. Mine is a bit shallow, but it's always fun to come up with things to wish for.

The List: 2006 (No order)
1. An incredibly problem-free wedding (and an even more spectacular marriage to the beautiful Ms. Ashlee).
2. The Dodgers to trade Brad Penny and Andre Ethier for a +.900 OPS slugger and a World Series return in 2007. (Maybe I'll just take a time machine to return to 1988.)
3. A full beard.
4. A puppy or some other animal whose lifelong goal is to try and make me happy.
5. No federal funding of abortion.
6. A miracle in Iraq (and our men and women brought home by next X-Mas).
7. A Sam Harris book that does not make any bestseller list. (Then his publisher drops him, then he has to work for a living (anyone else thinking barista?).)
8. An NFL player lockout lasting no less than three years, thereby resulting in a popularity growth for both MLB and the NHL (and hopefully earning both a more prominent place on espn (no capital letters for you until you end the east coast bias)).
9. A strong U.S. national soccer team.
10. Less of me.
11. A 15 percent raise.
12. The AP Stylebook to make fundraiser one word (in all cases).
13. The discovery/invention of an alternative to fossil fuels.
14. Just enough discomfort to sharpen me for God's service.
15. A great annual/yearbook.
16. A clear winner in the Blu-Ray/HDDVD matchup.
17. One snow day.
18. A solution in the Sudan.
19. A completely different (read corruption-free) United Nations.
20. Clarity.
21. A cure for cat (and human) cancer.
22. Permanent laryngitis: Fergie.
23. Fewer masters for this dog.
24. A couple of books even half as good as "Gilead" and "The Road."
25. A sugar-free Mountain Dew Baja Blast that tastes like the real deal.
26. A new Counting Crows album.
27. A sweet new house with one of those escape hatches like Webster had.
28. Safety, fertile fields for my missionary friends.
29. Met deadlines for all of my newspaper friends still in the trenches.
30. Students interested in Editing for Print Media.
31. An Apple nation.
32. Permanent laryngitis: Gwen Stefani.
33. More time with my parents.
34. Better health for my grandmother.
35. Less use of ya'll, used to could, might could and you'ns.
36. The termination of No Child Left Behind.
37. Harding makes a move to Colorado Springs. (I'll even help pack.)
38. A Cormac McCarthy flatsigned book.
39. MLB re-adopts rule that ground-rule doubles should be counted as home runs (if they're out of the park, they're out of the park).
40. Peace on Earth. With a bow. (And a gift receipt).

Happy X-Mas. May all your wishes come true, and your pudding be figgy.